Falling Back
by superschade
Summary: Being a soldier might mean fighting to the bitter end, but Jean Kirschtein has learned that being a man means knowing when to surrender.


_Set right after Annie becomes Metapod, when the Shiganshina Trio and Jean are hanging out around Eren's sickbed. Sorry, I kind of blended the manga version of the scene with the anime version, but the two are close enough that a little bit of line blurring is okay... I think. Also, ErenXMikasa is implied, so if you do not approve, you are excused now with no consequences. *Dot Pixis face*_

_**Disclaimer:** I do not own Attack on Titan. If I did, Jean would be in charge of the stables in a hilarious fit of irony._

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He had tried to hold on to hope for so long, but it only took one look for Jean Kirschtein to realize that he had lost.

While the rest of the Reconnaissance Corps and Garrison darted around the ruins of the city, trying to size up the damage that Annie Leonhardt had caused while trying to escape the walls, Jean, along with Armin and Mikasa, had been assigned to keep watch over Eren Jaeger as he lay in leaden unconsciousness, still recovering from his stint in Titan form. Although there was no danger of accidentally disturbing Eren from his sleep even if they shouted at each other, the three of them remained silent—Armin, curled up at the foot of Eren's bed; Mikasa, sitting motionlessly on the bench that she had dragged as close to Eren's side as possible; and Jean, himself, standing stoically in the corner with his arms folded across his chest.

The still air of the tiny recovery room lent itself unfortunately well to unwelcome thoughts, Jean discovered, as he found himself staring inadvertently at Mikasa, trying to decipher the expression on her face, the curve in her spine. He could even have sworn that he saw her hands twitch subtly once or twice, as if itching to take Eren's into her own.

So, when a young officer opened the door to summon Armin and him to questioning upstairs, Jean turned sharply towards the door, desperate to rid himself of the sickening sensation forming in the pit of his stomach. When he reached the door with Armin close at his heels, however, he dared himself to take one final look back at the room, at Mikasa, who had declined to join them for interrogation. Immediately, he wished he hadn't.

Mikasa was still sitting in the same position she had been for the past few hours, but her eyes were trained on Eren's face now, even though he showed no signs of waking or even stirring. She said nothing, but her gaze spoke volumes; relief, sorrow, concern, and something else that Jean couldn't quite put a name to clouded her dark eyes as she watched Eren's sleeping form. Jean had seen that expression only a handful of times in his life, and twice on Mikasa. The first time he saw it on her, they had all been standing on a rooftop, watching in disbelief as Eren emerged from his dismembered Titan body; the second time was on the journey home from their first expeditions beyond the walls, when Mikasa had refused to leave Eren's side as he rested after his fight with Annie in the forest. And now, as Jean watched Mikasa's face twist into the same mixture of emotions for the third time, he realized that it was not any easier for him to see.

Jean had watched Mikasa's eyes strip away layers of steaming muscle and sinew, the crumbling bones of the decaying Titan body to see the little boy she had chased fireflies with so many summers ago. He had seen the raw pain on her face as Mikasa, ever stoic and unflinching Mikasa, cried candidly, clutching Eren's limp body to hers for dear life while tears spilled down her cheeks. Stupidly, he had hoped that perhaps this time would be different, that maybe this would be the final straw that would break Mikasa out of her fierce dedication to Eren.

But no such thing happened; and when Jean finally identified the final element in Mikasa's face as _longing_—an expression that he seldom saw on others but that was all too familiar to him in another way—he knew at that moment that she had committed her heart fully and irrevocably to Eren.

He knew that there was nothing left for him to do but to surrender.

Jean's eyes darkened, his expression hardening, and he turned away stiffly to follow the officer down the hallway. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Armin, bloody cheerful Armin, smile and wave at Mikasa before he, too, filed out of the room, and Jean had to dig his nails into his palm to keep from shoving that little blonde mushroom into the wall. Setting his jaw, Jean quickly strode past the officer towards the open corridor before them.

"C-Cadet Kirschtein! You can't just—

"We're just going to report to the higher ups, right?" Jean snapped, rounding on the officer. "It's not like we did a damn thing wrong. We can get there by ourselves."

Not waiting for an answer, he swore under his breath and continued down the hallway while a duly-shocked Armin hastily apologized to the stunned officer and hurried after Jean. Once they were out in the corridor, Jean sighed, the fresh air restoring some calmness into him.

"Sorry about that," he muttered. "Long day."

"It's okay. A lot has happened," Armin reasoned. "He'll understand."

Jean merely grunted in response as he walked ahead, hands in his pockets, his mind already elsewhere. Understand what? There was nothing to understand, no way to achieve understanding for anything. He kicked a small pebble with his toe, watching it skitter across the corridor. How could anyone possibly understand?

Only a few minutes ago, Jean had come dangerously close to completely losing his composure as he saw the intensity of Mikasa's gaze at Eren. _You're wasting your time_, he'd wanted to shout. _His eyes aren't even open! Why are you looking at him like that when he isn't even looking back at you?_

_Why are you looking at him? He's a monster!_

_ Why don't you look at me? I'm not…_

_ No._

Jean shook his head violently to dislodge the thought from his head. He could not think like that.

"Jean? Is something the matter?" Armin asked, his voice heavy with concern.

_Was there ever_. "I guess it's just the concept of throwing away your own humanity for the sake of the collective," he found himself saying. "I just don't get it."

He only half-listened to Armin's response, as he had contemplated the same question again and again before in his mind, when he had been determined to make Eren out to be as much as a monster as possible. Out of sheer spite for the boy, Jean had convinced himself to ignore the rational voice in his brain that urged him to behave more maturely and instead gave in to the burning jealously and rage in his stomach. Of course, Jean was a soldier when he needed to be, and he acknowledged Eren's status as the one glimmer of hope that humankind had for victory; but a part of him still hated him, especially for being a monster, a _Titan_ of all things.

But Jean had been so stupid, so simple minded that he had failed to see the reality that was only coming into light for him now, after he had asked Armin about what a victory for humanity would entail. Eren knew; as obnoxious and short-tempered as he was, he knew exactly the duty he was expected to perform to assist humanity in their fight to survive, and he was willing to do it even at the cost of his own life.

He was willing to use his power as a Titan shifter to fight back against the Titans, to become what he hated most in the world, if it meant seizing the opportunity to save mankind.

Eren Jaeger was willing to sacrifice himself and his pride for the sake of something he valued much more than his own life; and that was what set him apart from Jean Kirschtein, because Jean had not been able to do the same.

_Damn…damn…_ Jean gritted his teeth and squinted against the rays of the setting sun, staining the sky and clouds rosy shades of orange and pink. He had been told once that his weakness was what gave him the potential to be a great leader…but his weakness was also what would cripple him in the end. He remembered the tactical courses they had taken during training, and how the instructors had stressed the importance of having good judgment on the battlefield. Never let pride overtake logic, they had warned. Of course, aim to kill the Titans whenever possible, but know when a cause is lost, and know when to fall back. Know when you've lost the fight.

And Jean knew now. There was nothing else that he could do, nothing else that he could say or show or even sing that would change anything. He had witnessed the fervor with which Mikasa remained at Eren's side, the tears that were shed at the sound of Eren's beating heart, and the immense, grateful relief that had met Eren's safe return to human form. He had seen all of these things and, knowing that he had no part in any of it, decided that now would be the time for him to fall back and surrender with his hands in the air. There was no way that Jean would ever let Eren get the best of him if he had anything to say about it, and if Eren was able to set aside his own feelings for the benefit of something—or someone—much more important, well, then, so would he.

He would never give up the fight. He would never stand by to see her in danger if he could help, and he would be the first to defend her if she got hurt. But the battle had been lost, and he would concede now. The days of his selfish, childish pursuit were over; it was time to raise his white flag and bow out with his dignity like a man.

"Hey, Armin, you know what the one thing worse than being a monster is?"

"W-what, Jean?"

Jean stayed silent until they finally reached the door to the interrogation room. He lifted his hand to the wood to knock before speaking, his voice so quiet that he wasn't sure that Armin would hear.

"…being a fool."

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_**A/N:** ...I don't know what to say about this one, other than I sure do make Armin stutter a lot when I write him into my stories. This fic was kind of pointless and a little bit personal, but the second I saw that shot of Jean's face at the end of episode 25 (which the animators did a smashing job with), this just clawed at my brain until I let it out in a jumbled heap. I truly think that, that was the moment when Jean realized that Eren would always be Mikasa's number one, but he hasn't completely let go of his affection for her just yet (as evidenced by his exchange with Eren at the start of chapter 51). But I do like Jean a lot, especially as he's changed over the course of the series. And hey, how cute was Armin in the manga, giving Mikasa that "go-get-'im" smile in that scene, huh? _

_Thanks for sticking through this unrefined word dump; I promise to deliver better next time!_


End file.
